[He laughs again. And god, it feels good. He hopes he doesn't wake up from this, doesn't blink and find himself in the meth lab again or down in his cell.]
[Lisbeth laughs again. It's good to hear him laugh, to hear his laugh. The house has been quiet ever since they moved in. Anne and Max talk most of the time, Lisbeth just listens. She'd participate if she had a thought on the subject, but that was rare.
Her ears turn red at his suggestion.]
I only like large crowds if there's loud music and alcohol.
[She's really not used to being called cute. Cute to her meant fragility, non-threatening and she tried her hardest to seem opposite of all those things. But his compliment only further fuels her embarrassment and her blush only gets worse.]
You know you're the only person who can get away with calling me that.
[He shouldn't. She's feeling vulnerable and guilty and he shouldn't take advantage of that. Before he died, she was revolted by him. Sooner or later, it'll come back to her and she'll remember what people said about him and what it means and she'll hate him even more.
But he also can't resist an invitation to warmth and affection. After everything... God, it means so much just to be touched with gentleness. He eases closer, his smile fading into a soft sort of melancholy. He has a lot to say, but he doesn't want to start. It's written on him, though, with a look like that in his eyes.]
[Her smile is somewhat opposite of his, but she could feel something different. Lisbeth is unused to the look in his eye - as much as she's been through, she's never shared it with anyone because she's never felt that burden on her chest. That doesn't mean she doesn't actively avoid talking about those years, but from what she knows about his home, she proceeds cautiously.]
I'm not really good at reading people, but I've heard what home was like for you so if you want to tell me about whatever happened this time, you can when you feel comfortable.
There's some things I don't talk about from my home so I'd understand.
[Nor is he kidding himself about a time when any of this will feel comfortable. If anything, it'll only get harder to talk about the longer he waits. The more it fades into the background as part of some other life, only to jump up every now and then and grab hold of him unexpectedly, send him reeling. No, he should talk about it now. Then she won't be taken by surprise when he loses his mind later.]
It was all... so much worse than I ever expected.
Did you even think that'd be possible? Everybody here always acted like he wasn't... Like he wasn't anything. Like he was somebody you could just take out, get rid of, no problem.
[Lisbeth listens carefully. She's been one of the lucky ones - she's never gone home once while she was staying in either Siren's or Exsilium except for that brief moment when one world ended. Even then, she's pretty sure she relived that same year over again.
[Jesse nods. He's sure he doesn't know everything about her father, but from what she's let slip, he bets she knows exactly what he means.
God help him if he ever finds out her father put her through what Walter White put him through. He shudders, unwittingly leaning closer to her as if being in her orbit will steady his gravity somehow.]
He was gonna execute me. Straight-up, on my knees, bullet to the head.
But he changed his mind. Gave me to his gang to torture me instead. They locked me up in a cell and now I'm their slave, I guess. 'til they decide to finish me.
[Lisbeth noticeably grips Jesse's elbows tightly as he describes what's happened to him at home. It resonates deeply with her - too deeply. She wants nothing more than to jump on a transport pad to Albuquerque, find the bastard, and stab him repeatedly in the face.
Everyone would do well without him: Skyler, Mike, Saul, and Jesse. Especially Jesse.
[He hates that she's talking like she knows. He doesn't want her to know what it's like. Please let her not know.]
I don't think it will end. I don't think I can get away. I don't even know if I'm really here right now or if it's just... If I just need to be somewhere. Somewhere it's not happening. For a while.
[She thinks she knows what he means. That he's really in his cell and all this is just his imagination, his "happy" place as those shrinks call it. Lisbeth doesn't want him to go around thinking that this all could fall apart in some sick simulation brought on by beatings, chains, whatever the hell they had him in.
[She readily grabs his hand in return. With his hand, she pulls him closer and takes a step to meet him in the middle. Lisbeth wraps her arms around him in a hug. She wants to tell him that it'll all be okay. That she's gone through it and she's made it.
But she's made a promise to herself never to tell him. Not out of shame, but out of concern about his reaction. Unless something one day forces her to confront it, it would be kept locked up.
Jesse's been on the edge of tears since she arrived, but being in her arms again breaks his tenuous control over his emotions and everything surges forward all at once.
He's been hurt. Badly. Maybe irreparably, despite the fine work Ashraf did on the surface damage. With just the handful of people he's encountered so far, he's already noticed the changes in himself. He isn't feeling things right. There's a fear that he can't shake even when he knows he's safe. And everything is darker now, shaded with the whole truth of his fate and Saul's betrayal and what he himself did to Skyler and her family. He ruined so much, playing right into Walter White's hands. And he can't even punish himself for it because someone else has punished him so horrifically that remorse seems like a pale and useless thing. Right and wrong mean nothing in the face of all that suffering. His foundations are cracked and he's going to collapse.
He curls up against Lisbeth, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he lets out a muffled wail.]
[Jesse's crying startles her. It's not the actual act that does it, but the fact that it's happening so suddenly is what's throwing her off. When she cried she had been all alone and sitting on the floor of her shower. She's never shown empathy because she's never met anyone with a shittier life than hers. Sympathy came and went - she didn't even show sympathy when she learned about Harriet's brother and father killing those girls.
But empathy. It's what's pulling at her chest now, what's making her heart hurt. Lisbeth inhales sharply as she holds him tightly to her, trying to keep her own emotions in check.]
[He sobs quietly, in gasps and strangled chokes, clinging to Lisbeth for dear life now that he's in her arms. It feels to him like there's something lurking around the corner or just at the edge of the room, waiting to drag him away from her. And it is, isn't it? Death: whatever form it's taking. Whatever made him kill himself the first time, it hasn't gone away. He's afraid of losing his mind and doing it again. Then where will he be? Back in Hell.
As long as she's holding him, though, he thinks he has something to live for. It isn't her fault that he died, of course. She needed time away from him and he doesn't blame her for that. But nothing can save him the way she does.
[Lisbeth gently props Jesse's head onto her shoulder before pulling away slightly to grab his face between her hands.]
Hey, look at me.
[She wipes his tears away with her thumbs.]
I'm going to tell you something that's going to hurt, but it'll make your life easier once you accept it. Whatever happened to you, it will define you. There's no going back and fixing it, there's no trying to block it out from your memory. It'll always be there and it'll always come back to you at the worst possible moment.
But you will not be defined as a victim. You're a survivor. The moment you can, you get your revenge and you take your life back.
[She doesn't realize she's gritting her teeth until she feels a pinch in her jaw. Lisbeth eases the pressure on her jaw and moves her hands down from his face to his shoulders.]
Until then, you try not to go to a dark place. Or get a tattoo like I did.
[There's a pause before Lisbeth takes a step back and bends down. She unties her boot and pulls it off, pulling up her pant leg to show the tattoo around her ankle.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
This winter wonderland is a little excessive, but my grayscale wardrobe doesn't look out place. That's a silver lining.
no subject
Did you just make a pun on purpose or by accident?
no subject
[She quickly thinks back on what she said.]
Oh fuck me.
[She laughs, embarrassed, and uses his hands to cover her face.]
no subject
You oughta become a comedian.
no subject
Her ears turn red at his suggestion.]
I only like large crowds if there's loud music and alcohol.
no subject
[His hands slip back down, thumbs tracing her cheeks.]
You're cute when you blush.
no subject
You know you're the only person who can get away with calling me that.
[Her hands slide down the length of his forearm.]
You can move closer if you want.
no subject
But he also can't resist an invitation to warmth and affection. After everything... God, it means so much just to be touched with gentleness. He eases closer, his smile fading into a soft sort of melancholy. He has a lot to say, but he doesn't want to start. It's written on him, though, with a look like that in his eyes.]
no subject
I'm not really good at reading people, but I've heard what home was like for you so if you want to tell me about whatever happened this time, you can when you feel comfortable.
There's some things I don't talk about from my home so I'd understand.
no subject
[Nor is he kidding himself about a time when any of this will feel comfortable. If anything, it'll only get harder to talk about the longer he waits. The more it fades into the background as part of some other life, only to jump up every now and then and grab hold of him unexpectedly, send him reeling. No, he should talk about it now. Then she won't be taken by surprise when he loses his mind later.]
It was all... so much worse than I ever expected.
Did you even think that'd be possible? Everybody here always acted like he wasn't... Like he wasn't anything. Like he was somebody you could just take out, get rid of, no problem.
But he's so -
[Jesse's voice catches and he swallows.]
He's so evil.
no subject
Still...]
So evil that he's somehow immortal. Invincible.
[She chews on the inside of her bottom lip.]
My father's like that.
no subject
God help him if he ever finds out her father put her through what Walter White put him through. He shudders, unwittingly leaning closer to her as if being in her orbit will steady his gravity somehow.]
He was gonna execute me. Straight-up, on my knees, bullet to the head.
But he changed his mind. Gave me to his gang to torture me instead. They locked me up in a cell and now I'm their slave, I guess. 'til they decide to finish me.
no subject
Everyone would do well without him: Skyler, Mike, Saul, and Jesse. Especially Jesse.
She eases her grip.]
Torture's worse.
no subject
[His voice is so tight and quiet that it might as well be a whisper.]
Yeah, I never even knew I could feel that kinda pain. Like they invented a special hell just for me.
no subject
It's bad when it's happening. You don't know when it's going to end, but it does. Then you pick up your pieces and go on.
no subject
I don't think it will end. I don't think I can get away. I don't even know if I'm really here right now or if it's just... If I just need to be somewhere. Somewhere it's not happening. For a while.
no subject
She pinches his skin right above his elbow.]
no subject
Does that ever really work?
no subject
But you're really here. None of this is fake. This isn't you blocking out what's happening in New Mexico.
no subject
[He has to.
He reaches for her hand, curling his fingers around it and hoping she doesn't pull away.]
no subject
But she's made a promise to herself never to tell him. Not out of shame, but out of concern about his reaction. Unless something one day forces her to confront it, it would be kept locked up.
Instead, all she can do is hug him tightly.]
no subject
Jesse's been on the edge of tears since she arrived, but being in her arms again breaks his tenuous control over his emotions and everything surges forward all at once.
He's been hurt. Badly. Maybe irreparably, despite the fine work Ashraf did on the surface damage. With just the handful of people he's encountered so far, he's already noticed the changes in himself. He isn't feeling things right. There's a fear that he can't shake even when he knows he's safe. And everything is darker now, shaded with the whole truth of his fate and Saul's betrayal and what he himself did to Skyler and her family. He ruined so much, playing right into Walter White's hands. And he can't even punish himself for it because someone else has punished him so horrifically that remorse seems like a pale and useless thing. Right and wrong mean nothing in the face of all that suffering. His foundations are cracked and he's going to collapse.
He curls up against Lisbeth, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he lets out a muffled wail.]
no subject
But empathy. It's what's pulling at her chest now, what's making her heart hurt. Lisbeth inhales sharply as she holds him tightly to her, trying to keep her own emotions in check.]
no subject
As long as she's holding him, though, he thinks he has something to live for. It isn't her fault that he died, of course. She needed time away from him and he doesn't blame her for that. But nothing can save him the way she does.
He wishes so much that he didn't need saving.]
no subject
Hey, look at me.
[She wipes his tears away with her thumbs.]
I'm going to tell you something that's going to hurt, but it'll make your life easier once you accept it. Whatever happened to you, it will define you. There's no going back and fixing it, there's no trying to block it out from your memory. It'll always be there and it'll always come back to you at the worst possible moment.
But you will not be defined as a victim. You're a survivor. The moment you can, you get your revenge and you take your life back.
[She doesn't realize she's gritting her teeth until she feels a pinch in her jaw. Lisbeth eases the pressure on her jaw and moves her hands down from his face to his shoulders.]
Until then, you try not to go to a dark place. Or get a tattoo like I did.
[There's a pause before Lisbeth takes a step back and bends down. She unties her boot and pulls it off, pulling up her pant leg to show the tattoo around her ankle.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)