[Lisbeth noticeably grips Jesse's elbows tightly as he describes what's happened to him at home. It resonates deeply with her - too deeply. She wants nothing more than to jump on a transport pad to Albuquerque, find the bastard, and stab him repeatedly in the face.
Everyone would do well without him: Skyler, Mike, Saul, and Jesse. Especially Jesse.
[He hates that she's talking like she knows. He doesn't want her to know what it's like. Please let her not know.]
I don't think it will end. I don't think I can get away. I don't even know if I'm really here right now or if it's just... If I just need to be somewhere. Somewhere it's not happening. For a while.
[She thinks she knows what he means. That he's really in his cell and all this is just his imagination, his "happy" place as those shrinks call it. Lisbeth doesn't want him to go around thinking that this all could fall apart in some sick simulation brought on by beatings, chains, whatever the hell they had him in.
[She readily grabs his hand in return. With his hand, she pulls him closer and takes a step to meet him in the middle. Lisbeth wraps her arms around him in a hug. She wants to tell him that it'll all be okay. That she's gone through it and she's made it.
But she's made a promise to herself never to tell him. Not out of shame, but out of concern about his reaction. Unless something one day forces her to confront it, it would be kept locked up.
Jesse's been on the edge of tears since she arrived, but being in her arms again breaks his tenuous control over his emotions and everything surges forward all at once.
He's been hurt. Badly. Maybe irreparably, despite the fine work Ashraf did on the surface damage. With just the handful of people he's encountered so far, he's already noticed the changes in himself. He isn't feeling things right. There's a fear that he can't shake even when he knows he's safe. And everything is darker now, shaded with the whole truth of his fate and Saul's betrayal and what he himself did to Skyler and her family. He ruined so much, playing right into Walter White's hands. And he can't even punish himself for it because someone else has punished him so horrifically that remorse seems like a pale and useless thing. Right and wrong mean nothing in the face of all that suffering. His foundations are cracked and he's going to collapse.
He curls up against Lisbeth, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he lets out a muffled wail.]
[Jesse's crying startles her. It's not the actual act that does it, but the fact that it's happening so suddenly is what's throwing her off. When she cried she had been all alone and sitting on the floor of her shower. She's never shown empathy because she's never met anyone with a shittier life than hers. Sympathy came and went - she didn't even show sympathy when she learned about Harriet's brother and father killing those girls.
But empathy. It's what's pulling at her chest now, what's making her heart hurt. Lisbeth inhales sharply as she holds him tightly to her, trying to keep her own emotions in check.]
[He sobs quietly, in gasps and strangled chokes, clinging to Lisbeth for dear life now that he's in her arms. It feels to him like there's something lurking around the corner or just at the edge of the room, waiting to drag him away from her. And it is, isn't it? Death: whatever form it's taking. Whatever made him kill himself the first time, it hasn't gone away. He's afraid of losing his mind and doing it again. Then where will he be? Back in Hell.
As long as she's holding him, though, he thinks he has something to live for. It isn't her fault that he died, of course. She needed time away from him and he doesn't blame her for that. But nothing can save him the way she does.
[Lisbeth gently props Jesse's head onto her shoulder before pulling away slightly to grab his face between her hands.]
Hey, look at me.
[She wipes his tears away with her thumbs.]
I'm going to tell you something that's going to hurt, but it'll make your life easier once you accept it. Whatever happened to you, it will define you. There's no going back and fixing it, there's no trying to block it out from your memory. It'll always be there and it'll always come back to you at the worst possible moment.
But you will not be defined as a victim. You're a survivor. The moment you can, you get your revenge and you take your life back.
[She doesn't realize she's gritting her teeth until she feels a pinch in her jaw. Lisbeth eases the pressure on her jaw and moves her hands down from his face to his shoulders.]
Until then, you try not to go to a dark place. Or get a tattoo like I did.
[There's a pause before Lisbeth takes a step back and bends down. She unties her boot and pulls it off, pulling up her pant leg to show the tattoo around her ankle.]
[He hangs onto every word she says, his eyes fixed on hers until she bends to display her tattoo. His gaze follows her. He's seen that tattoo before, but he's never questioned the meaning of it. He never even considered the meaning of his own tattoos. So learning that her ankle tattoo has to do with something like this... A whimper escapes his throat and he reaches for her again.]
I don't wanna remember it like that. I don't wanna remember anything about it. I just wanna think about the good things. Like you.
[She figures she'd scare him even by revealing a little bit about what she's been through. It's why she stops when he reaches for her. Lisbeth drops her foot to the ground and walks back into his arms.]
I know. I know.
[She looks up at him, her expression softening. Lisbeth then reaches up and kisses him.]
[Kissing her is a mistake. But he does it anyway, his fingers curling to grip the fabric of her shirt. He wasn't trying to get pity, but he'll take it if she's giving it to him, if it means that they don't have to talk about how someone out there ruined them.
Lisbeth makes it sound like it's a permanent scar, but if there's one thing that Jesse's vowed, it's that none of this is permanent. He has no interest in revenge or holding onto the memory of that evil.
Redemption, however... He's coming around to that idea. The one thing he still has is the ability to make right. If he can give enough of himself to her, then she'll forget that there was ever someone who made her feel like she wasn't a human being.
She kisses him because she feels sorry for him and he turns it around on her, murmuring against her lips:]
Remember I loved you.
[He doesn't know if that'll be possible when he's gone, but his one wish is that it will be.]
[Lisbeth nearly sighs into the kiss like some hopeless romantic. It's just been so long since she had kissed him. A part of her hates how vulnerable she's become with him. She promised herself after Stockholm that she'd never let those stupid fantasies fill her head again. She is most parts logical, only ruled by emotion when it comes to anger. However, Jesse makes other emotions spring forward, those that have existed all this time, but whose growth was stunted by a really fucked up childhood and adolescence.
Even though her head is swimming, Jesse's use of the past tense isn't lost on her. It makes her pause and she opens her eyes. She feels like she's swallowed an ice cube and it's landed heavily at the bottom of her stomach.
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Everyone would do well without him: Skyler, Mike, Saul, and Jesse. Especially Jesse.
She eases her grip.]
Torture's worse.
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[His voice is so tight and quiet that it might as well be a whisper.]
Yeah, I never even knew I could feel that kinda pain. Like they invented a special hell just for me.
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It's bad when it's happening. You don't know when it's going to end, but it does. Then you pick up your pieces and go on.
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I don't think it will end. I don't think I can get away. I don't even know if I'm really here right now or if it's just... If I just need to be somewhere. Somewhere it's not happening. For a while.
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She pinches his skin right above his elbow.]
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Does that ever really work?
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But you're really here. None of this is fake. This isn't you blocking out what's happening in New Mexico.
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[He has to.
He reaches for her hand, curling his fingers around it and hoping she doesn't pull away.]
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But she's made a promise to herself never to tell him. Not out of shame, but out of concern about his reaction. Unless something one day forces her to confront it, it would be kept locked up.
Instead, all she can do is hug him tightly.]
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Jesse's been on the edge of tears since she arrived, but being in her arms again breaks his tenuous control over his emotions and everything surges forward all at once.
He's been hurt. Badly. Maybe irreparably, despite the fine work Ashraf did on the surface damage. With just the handful of people he's encountered so far, he's already noticed the changes in himself. He isn't feeling things right. There's a fear that he can't shake even when he knows he's safe. And everything is darker now, shaded with the whole truth of his fate and Saul's betrayal and what he himself did to Skyler and her family. He ruined so much, playing right into Walter White's hands. And he can't even punish himself for it because someone else has punished him so horrifically that remorse seems like a pale and useless thing. Right and wrong mean nothing in the face of all that suffering. His foundations are cracked and he's going to collapse.
He curls up against Lisbeth, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he lets out a muffled wail.]
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But empathy. It's what's pulling at her chest now, what's making her heart hurt. Lisbeth inhales sharply as she holds him tightly to her, trying to keep her own emotions in check.]
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As long as she's holding him, though, he thinks he has something to live for. It isn't her fault that he died, of course. She needed time away from him and he doesn't blame her for that. But nothing can save him the way she does.
He wishes so much that he didn't need saving.]
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Hey, look at me.
[She wipes his tears away with her thumbs.]
I'm going to tell you something that's going to hurt, but it'll make your life easier once you accept it. Whatever happened to you, it will define you. There's no going back and fixing it, there's no trying to block it out from your memory. It'll always be there and it'll always come back to you at the worst possible moment.
But you will not be defined as a victim. You're a survivor. The moment you can, you get your revenge and you take your life back.
[She doesn't realize she's gritting her teeth until she feels a pinch in her jaw. Lisbeth eases the pressure on her jaw and moves her hands down from his face to his shoulders.]
Until then, you try not to go to a dark place. Or get a tattoo like I did.
[There's a pause before Lisbeth takes a step back and bends down. She unties her boot and pulls it off, pulling up her pant leg to show the tattoo around her ankle.]
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I don't wanna remember it like that. I don't wanna remember anything about it. I just wanna think about the good things. Like you.
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I know. I know.
[She looks up at him, her expression softening. Lisbeth then reaches up and kisses him.]
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Lisbeth makes it sound like it's a permanent scar, but if there's one thing that Jesse's vowed, it's that none of this is permanent. He has no interest in revenge or holding onto the memory of that evil.
Redemption, however... He's coming around to that idea. The one thing he still has is the ability to make right. If he can give enough of himself to her, then she'll forget that there was ever someone who made her feel like she wasn't a human being.
She kisses him because she feels sorry for him and he turns it around on her, murmuring against her lips:]
Remember I loved you.
[He doesn't know if that'll be possible when he's gone, but his one wish is that it will be.]
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Even though her head is swimming, Jesse's use of the past tense isn't lost on her. It makes her pause and she opens her eyes. She feels like she's swallowed an ice cube and it's landed heavily at the bottom of her stomach.
Lisbeth doesn't know why he'd say that.]