ic contact

[hejhej]

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"Leave a message."

voicemail >> text >> call

 

 

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[hostage]

Remember when Mr. White first showed up? How I got really spun, spent like two weeks tweaking out?

[hejhej]

Yeah.

[hostage]

Sonya - Sonya came by one of those days. When I was alone.

[He swallows. Fuck, does he really have to tell it again?]

She... I told her to leave and I went and laid down on the couch. She got on top of me. I kept telling her to go. She started hitting me. Knocked my pipe outta my hands. I got mad. Like... Like real mad.

[hejhej]

[sonya's name doesn't surprise her but the longer he goes on, the more her eyebrows turn downward. she takes a deep breath - she can sense where this is going so she doesn't ask what he did. it would be redundant. ]

[hostage]

[The silence worries him. He feels like he's going to throw up.]

I didn't - I didn't wanna hit back, 'cause I don't hit girls. So I started saying all this nasty shit, talking real dirty, to like... like scare her, so she'd go.

When that didn't work, I -

[He takes a breath and slows his words down by force, since he feels an urge to simply rush through it. Get it done with. But he wants her to understand.]

I grabbed her. I flipped her over. I got on top of her...

[hejhej]

[right now she wishes he'd said that he hit sonya. as he speaks the words, she can feel her heart pump with fear.]

Onto her stomach?

[hostage]

Her b-back. Her back. The way she had me, before.

She got scared. More scared than I wanted. Started yelling. I got off her right away - I swear to god, I did. I got off her. I dunno what she's telling people, but I didn't touch her other than that. I got away from her.

[hejhej]

But you used that as a scare tactic didn't you? How easily you could overpower her?

[hostage]

I wasn't really thinking. At all. I guess that's what I was doing, yeah.

It's not okay. I know it's not. But when I told her I was sorry, later, she told me it was nothing. So I didn't think... I don't know what it was.

But Sonya told Saul, and I guess Saul told Steph I'm a rapist and she's gotta stay away from me, and Steph told me to tell you, too. So I'm doing it. I'm telling you.

[hejhej]

[sonya's hostility for him makes sense now - the reasons for his arrest were still stupid as shit, but sonya's carefully chosen words in her post make sense.

but all Lisbeth can choke out is]

You're not a rapist. What you did was fucking stupid and she has every right to hate you for it, but you're not a rapist.

[it's almost like she's repeating it more for herself than for him because she says it one more time, barely a whisper and her throat tight.]

[hostage]

[It's getting harder to control his own voice, breaking as he's crying.]

You don't have to see me anymore. Again. Ever. Whatever I am, it's bad. It's dangerous. And I don't think there's any fixing it, Lisbeth. I don't think I'll ever get better. I can't even tell when I'm doing wrong. And I keep doing it. I shoulda told you a long time ago. All I'm ever gonna do is hurt people. But I don't wanna hurt you.

[hejhej]

[the idea of him hurting her has crossed her mind here and there - not physically but emotionally. she didn't want to go through that again. but the idea of leaving was equally as painful.]

Do you think you're capable of hurting me?

[hostage]

I'd rather die.

[But that's not really an answer, is it?]

[hejhej]

[she's quiet for a moment before speaking with an unfamiliar softness.]

It hurts thinking about either.

[hostage]

I never mean to do it, Lisbeth. But bad things happen to everybody around me. If you want outta this, then get out before it's too late.

[hejhej]

[the plea is nothing new to her - they've had similar conversations in Canada. but she wonders if what he says is true.]

Give.. give me a few days. Please?

[hostage]

A few days. Yeah. Anything you need.